Existential hell

So where have I been going for the last 3 years? No where apparently, in fact looking back the starting line seems closer than it did a while ago. Thinking about where my life has been so far has been, for lack of a better word; depressing. 3 years ago I was willfully ignorant, chronically single, hadn't been to a university, and worked at a job everyone cowardly balked at.

Then two years ago I quit that job to try my hand at something else, something that lasted for all of about a month before a slight break down in communication set me back to where I am now. 23 living at home. However, another thing happened that as it is was the most wonderful thing one could imagine. I found a woman who was more compatible with my own tastes and ideas than anyone else so far. Through the shit job, the damnable room-mates, and her encouragement I managed to grow at a rate which boggles even my own mind still now.

Cut to now: I am unfortunately knowledgeable of my uneducation, single but no longer looking, signed up to attend classes for jobs that I've already been doing for two years, yet though that seems to be an improvement I'm unemployed and in debt to a car whose value isn't half of what the price tag is (bought back in 2008 when everything was a seller's market, just before it went down).

So, to put it simply, there are many many great memories of the last 3 years. They were hopeful, strong, make me feel proud remember how good things were even though the situations were less than desirable and less than legal in a few cases. It's hard, but trying to remember to take those memories and know that there are people and things worth working harder and harder for out there is starting to take it's toll. I have less now than I ever have. It makes me wonder, would I trade all those memories away, those happy times and the good that came of it for that stupidity and satisfaction of a job and friends that were only half way fulfilling?

An emotional and mature man would say no, an independent and practical man would say it wasn't worth it. Right now, I just want to find those men and kill them both so I can have a minute of peace without their damn blathering.

Moral conundrums and the like.

So, what we have here is a failure to communicate. At least that's the way it seems. Between the woman who I still hold a lot of value for in my life, to the women who are currently holding a certain amount of me in the palms of their hands, it seems as if my moral fiber is being stretched to it limits lately.

Now, to think about it this way, I'm tired of being lonely and having selfish friends who only want a working vehicle and someone who is damn good at using it. But at the same time, settling isn't an option I've ever given myself. Whatever the circumstance, or lack of circumstances, the idea that has always worked till now was to rush in head long doing the good deed and not letting my own emotional situation get the better of things. Being the white knight to help those who could help me later. As of last night though, it appears that part of the whole has decided to take a vacation.

I'm kind of hoping he stays gone too.

There is a certain woman, a local one at that, who's caught my eye. She's got a mouth on her, a body like a man ought to like, and more opinions than Fox News could manage about Obama. The catch, because there always is one? She as of now is 36 years old, has an 8 year old child, and the child's father is her live in partner. Talk about setting up to become the other man. However, me mind has been working it like this: she isn't happy in her relationship. She doesn't smile, she doesn't laugh, she doesn't let herself get out to friend's houses all because her partner needs her to take care of him and the child. So why should I feel bad about doing something to make her smile?

Even if it takes cuffing her hands to the headboard, spreading her wide, and using her in a way she hasn't been used in years. Bad? Oh yeah, she thinks so too. That hasn't stopped us from talking that way, however. Or stopped us from talking about how good it would be for the both of us to be that bad.

No matter how simple it may seem though and how easy it is to justify taking her and just being a good friend, with a few benefits, it doesn't settle the matter we both know I'd be the other man and this would be nothing more than an affair. Hey though, if I can keep putting up with the yes/no/yes/no/yes/no/fuckmetillIscream flirtings, maybe it could be a learning experience for the both of us? Moral fiber be damned, the libido and lack of anything close to intimacy lately just may be worth the risk. Libido be damned though, is it worth risking other people's relationships just to get some jollies off with a woman who's built like a woman instead of a 14 year old? With any luck we'll find out next month.



Now then, as for that other woman? Well, let's just say that it's been a good thing my attentions are stretched elsewhere, that one, Irish, deserves her own life without anyone holding her back. However much past experiences and relations ache for me to tempt her back, that one deserves more respect than that. Simple, but so much harder for it.