Grumbles and Grunts and Groans. And chuckles, oh my.

It's amazing the things that can suddenly make you feel better. Since the last blog I have been, uncontrollably, unhappy and grumpy. Every silver lining was just tin foil ready to drop the black could down on my head. Nothing seemed to be going right...and still nothing is. My friends are unhappy, irked and stressed to points where it's a wonder they can still function without breaking down. The situation is, and always seems to be, to my personal detriment while others are allowed to benefit and gloat. Oft times even when something goes in the direction I wanted...another thing will happen to make that option nonviable with everyone else's previous plans that all out-weigh my own needs and desires.

Yet right now I'm happy. Yes, that certain woman is the one who did it. But, it's because of a joke that was undoubtedly a shot in the dark, a last resort of childishness, that made me smile and blush and laugh like I haven't in nigh on a month.

Things are still going down hill, there's no doubt about that. And this good mood may only last a little while, a few hours, the rest of the day, till tomorrow morning when the lights get cut at the longest. But thanks to something simple and unexpected I feel good again. How can you tell? Well, because my doodle and a few others are wagging around in my head right now, hahah.

I guess that's all I've been needing, and possibly all it'll take to make me laugh and grin (and blush, ya evil woman that I love). Something unexpected, something from someone else that's a happy and foreign thought that intrudes on my own, batters my brain with confusion and absurdity, and leaves me happily confounded.

I think this is needed more often. I have to remember to thank the people who break through the miasma of gruff and steady downtrodden thoughts more often. It just occurs to me, they are the ones who are my favourite friends. And oh, how I miss them. I'll send them a picture of my doodle as part of the thank you.

(In case anyone is wondering WHY this post is written...freakishly, thank Cervantes writing style and Don Quixote's ability to be a great and easily read novel.)

Binge and Purge

To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

 

That seems to be, simply, the way things have been this week. If it weren't for the want and wonder to know what the future holds then there would be little reason to continue onwards. Instead the urge to sit down, and watch life fly by, undisturbed in personal solitude would be overwhelming. It's hard to tell if it's depression, or extreme boredom at this point.

I don't know if it's a testament to human will to live, loneliness, or maybe curiosity that gives so much will. One day I'll be able to look back at these times and think; yeah, that was nothing, and I'm still going. I think we'd all prefer that instead of; wow, I was a little bitch. 

Only the years (if survived) will tell.

50,000 Unstoppable Watts

Life suddenly got harder, must have leveled up! - Courage Wolf.

Okay, to be honest, I hate memes. They're generally stupid, unfulfilling, and ironic to people other than those that create them. But, this one I like. Mainly because it seems to apply at the moment. With the new job the work is harder and the pay is less, but still more than making nothing. Very literal definition of entry level. Like the saying goes though, you have to keep soldiering on. Very unsoldierlike, but still.

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Some very interesting things have happened though since I've started back to work. For one the capability to drink when I want because I can afford it again is....oh it is damn nice. Thunder bird, real rye, honeyed drinks of all varieties. To say I've spent the last few days off sober is a lie. To be honest it is probably the nicest thing about earning a full wage again. A relaxing beer here, a toast there for whatever reason. Drinking is a part of who I am, it does not change me any (except my coordination gets worse [somehow]) but it does what alcohol is supposed to do; it socially lubricates my mind easing stress and letting me be..well me. Whenever I want.

 -----

Oh yes, one of our friends came out of the closet, finally telling everyone that he was gay and in fact proud of it and now has the bravery to live the lifestyle. So kudos to ya, Slayton. Not that he'll ever read this, but for posterity sake I feel I got to say it. For years he's had to deal with people calling him 'fag' 'homo' 'gay' and everything in between because he has always been feminine. Then again his whole life his father was the only male figure in his world and the boy was surrounded by sisters, aunts, female cousins who came to visit, and of course his mother, and grandmother who lives just next door to him. Naturally he was going to be feminine! None of us close to him ever thought much about it though. At least not until he asked if a mutual friend had told me.
me - 'Told me what?'
him - 'Not much, just that I'm gay.'
me - 'You know that for sure?'
him - 'Yeah, dude. Man sexed and everything.'
me - 'Cool? Call me sometime.'

So yeah, now he just has to tell his parents and a very nice girl who has a serious lady-hard-on for him...good luck to him on that...maybe later though I'll finally have a workout buddy who won't be shy about telling me how my ass or cock looks.

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Another friend of mine has, lately, found out how hard it is to pick a relationship based on sex alone. We used to 'play' several months ago. Kisses here, gropes there, fingers sneaking into each other pants attempting to see who would get more excited first. At the time she was married, however upon finding someone with a larger cock that mine and could give her what she wanted more easily the poor woman has found out she was better off without sex and having her freedom. Now though she is as miserable as ever. Her new BF (whom is still married to his wife) suddenly became controlling when she stopped paying attention. No longer is she allowed to go out with friends, drink, or even stay up late while he is around.

On top of that, despite what she thinks, he is screwing around on her while so paranoid she will do the same. A UTI that cannot be healed by 4, FOUR, weeks of antibiotics is itself a small sign that either he doesn't clean himself well at all, or he hasn't been as faithful as he expects her to be. I believe I may try to get into contact with her again. When her hormones aren't driving her insane, she is a good enough person to talk to. Just hope her desperatness doesn't drive her to worse men. I really don't give a damn who she fucks (want it to me at least a couple more times) as long as she's responsible and smart about it. Which this time she obviously wasn't.

-----

A third, and close, friend of mine and her husband have had themselves some luck as well. Chris Pirtle is now an assistant manager in training for East Texas Kroger's. It's an amazing job with great pay, awesome benefits, but the worst hours. Tammy is having to deal with it as much as Chris is. Both of them wake at 3:30 am in the morning. Tammy unable to sleep once Chris is gone. She spends her day at work, then home to deal with their daughter by herself usually till 6pm. That is his day shift. On nights, he may wake at 12pm, and not arrive back home till 2am. Both of them are suffering stress because of it, however, once Chris has cleared 12 more weeks of training they will both have steady hours and a more luxurious lifestyle. So, hope they do alright. And no, I haven't had sex with Tammy, as nice as that would be...trust me, thought about it.

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Not all has been fun and funny though. One of my best friend's brother went to the hospital two nights ago because of his high blood pressure. 200/180. That's the zone where many people have strokes. So, with any luck he'll pull through without too much trouble or having too many medications. His brother and I hope that he is somehow able to turn his life around and be able to live without worrying about having a heart-attack or a goddamn stroke.

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As for myself? Well, nothing too new. The parents have recently signed more papers dealing with this new trailer house we're supposed to be getting soon. With any luck...tomorrow a man with a bulldozer will come out to level the land and clear it of stumps so the trailer has a more level ground to sit on. And with any more luck it won't be 3 more weeks before I can actually see what the fuck it is we're supposed to get. I still do, unfortunately, say we. A place and life of my own is still in the works, till then though I have to deal with the lack of privacy and constant...goddamn...noise.

Still! I'm sure that continuing to trudge on will pay off, eventually. All I've gotta do is keep grinding, keep saving, keep looking at women hungrily, and shit'll get there. Just hope I don't accidentally skip a damn level again. Would like things to stay where they're at at the moment. Albeit I'm sure I could do without the untimely raging, random, horniness.

It's a small world after all. Wait, no it's not.

Quickie; today I woke up feeling well rested for the first time in a long time. Working again is guaranteeing that I'm getting some good sleep once more, and considering that work is mainly keeping me on my feet a lot it's nice to be able to lay down after a long night and relax.

However after a while, as it usually does, I got to feeling lonely. Missing certain people. When it occurred to me that I wasn't alone, which was the problem.

Being alone isn't all that bad; you're free to do as you please without the trappings of social boundaries or established relationship (relationships as in friends, family, etc.) rules dealing with people. In fact it helps with loneliness because there is no one to make you want for more.

Yet whenever the feeling of wanting particular company are rising having others around makes it harder to deal. Simply for the fact those people aren't the one or ones you want.

Full Fathom Five!!

I'm working again! But still broke as ever! I guess that was sort of to be expected, yeah? Erm...yeah, so nothing has changed besides that I have less time and, strangely, less money. To be honest though the chances of this changing anything with the family are slim to none, however it does mean in about a month maybe I'll finally be able to head on out...and drink!

The idea of a social life, flirtations, libations, and liaisons is as enticing and teasing as ever. But more on that later if it ever happens.

Because, apparently not being married at 23 in Texas is a hell of a strange event. Just like in Hell it's strange for any succubi to not get preggers at least 4 times by a drunk Texan....I'd enjoy a succubus, give away my pinky finger's soul. Who needs to be fancy when you're dead?

Ode to the Mead Bringers.

So earlier I mentioned something that's pretty inane, but still important to me. That's my sliiight love for all things honey. Strange, probably. But you name it, and if it has honey in it chances are I love it. There's good reasons for it too. As I'm typing this I'm having an iced tea that was brewed with honey made from a local apiary. For anyone who suffers hay-fever or allergies locally made honey can be a blessing. Being made from the available pollens a teaspoon a day for two weeks is the same as a vaccination for your allergies. I'm sure you could look up all the different benefits on your own and be as amazed or underwhelmed as you want.

The point is; alcohols, desserts, breakfasts, sugar substitutes, blah blah blah, it's just good to have a jar handy if you need a snack that's moderately healthy / cheap / or lacking something.

By far though, the best use for the, very literal, liquid gold? Mead. Drink of the ancestors and gods. However, I'll leave you to look that viking tradition up yourself as well.

/nerdery

Promotion! (Of Earthbound Causes)

Working out, making money, bettering one's self...it ain't easy dammit!

So I weighed myself on what I was sure was a broken scale last night, can anyone guess what it said? 340lbs...that's 154 kg. That. Is. Insane. But, it's the price I pay for such a leisurely lifestyle, which has only happened in the last two months to be honest. It's a wake up call though, little work other than driving for groceries and eating full meals has it's pitfalls, mostly the way it turns my stomach into a pit that falls below my waist. Of course I think to myself: but if I had a job I'd be making money, if I had money I'd buy a bicycle, if I had a bicycle I'd save on fuel, and it would create a much better life.

Anyone else see the problem with that? It all hinges on me getting a job.

Well, it shouldn't be too much longer till someone sees me as employable. Just a week ago I graduated CNA training and am fully licensed. So it's been reapply reapply reapply everywhere I have previously that isn't minimum wage. And had a bit of a emboldening stroke from two places I very much want to work. Memorial and Medical Hospitals in Nacogdoches. With any luck (if there is such a thing anymore) I'll have a job by the start of the month; working 12 hours a day for 4 days a week. As a friend of mine said in her blog (who'll probably be the only one to read this) money money money!

And with money comes honey and with honey comes good things in life. Mainly because I have an obsessive passion for honey that far outweighs a healthy taste for the liquid gold. It'd delicious! Healthy even. Next blog I shall have to explain the benefits of just a teaspoon of honey a day.

Back to the topics off-hand, however, in the light of the fact that having a CNA license hasn't seemed to help as quickly as I wanted I've begun to take other measures to better my quality of life. For one thing...trying to cut back on smoking. Yes, that nasty habit with those cigarette thingies that I used as a security blanket for far too long. It is time to cut them down to size and free myself of the mental and financial burden that they are. Because I will be honest, I LOVE smoking.  The feeling of the course hot smoke, that bitter but tickling taste, and the full sensation when it hits my lungs. Then the cool rush of air and slight calm of emptying my lungs of the toxin and watching it all dance before evaporating. I love smoking, have since I was 16. It's time to find something else to do though, it's gotten too expensive, isn't as enjoyable as it once was, and on top of that has made things...go sour. You ladies who've had enough life experience know what that means.

So yes, trying to slow down with the hopes that quitting isn't an impossibility. Today is day 5, and since I have had only 16 cigarettes. There are 4 left in the package that was bought almost a week ago, they've staled considerably which makes them less filling and enjoyable. So maybe after a few more weeks I will be putting that extra $5 every day or so into my fuel tank.

Or better yet, into a savings account of some kind.

As a wise woman once told me; 'Humans don't live a very long time, but it takes us a long time to do something. But if you ever want to re-learn how to do anything...watch a child. Small steps, don't stop, and always smile.' I'm paraphrasing of course, but you get the damn point.

Meh. Panties! Meh...

Would have put this, well something similar, except blogger just now decided to allow me on. So after a few things to catch up with I can safely say; meh. That's right, meh.

It isn't as if that solves or explains anything, does it? Well alright, tuesday was my last day of clinicals, if you can imagine. It actually wasn't too bad, 100 questions, 2 more hours of OJT, enough time for one cigarette. However, after it was all said and done I was looking at the certificate we all received and it hit me 'Meh, this is it? Damn well should have given us something...nicer.' Although to finish up on that, on the 18th we take the state required exam followed by a physical skills test. After that we receive a second diploma. However I will be applying to four hospitals and a, as in singular, nursing home. Certified Nursing Assistant; a.k.a. Assistant Ass Wiper.

Of course, that isn't the only occasion where 'meh' has come into play. When I figured out that I'm now in debt to my mother for $6,000 for a split second there was a feeling of panic. I could feel my head reeling, my heart seizing to begin pumping harder, my vision blurring....but then it happened. 'Meh, at least I'm still afloat and not in debt to bank anymore.'

So see, there have been bad as well as good applications of the 'meh.' However...it has been prevalent in situations where I've realised it wouldn't have used it before. Yet there it was whenever a neighbor's wife (who turns heads wherever she goes, generally without noticing or caring herself) bent over and revealed her panties while working at her garden. Black lace with a pink lace ruffle trim, thingy. Yeah, saw them that well, but shrugged and kept enjoying my cigarette more. It only occurred after the fact that...wowza, missed the opportunity.



I'd say that it was a bad thing, that the 'meh' was looking to take over and dull life so that all the enjoyment in the world was sucked out, but...well...meh. It could be worse, a lot worse, this I know. Ironic it saves what it destroys. Although, one possible side-effect of meh seems to be a sudden insatiable craving for whiskey that lasts throughout the day. Everyday.



Though, there has been one thing it hasn't been able to dull or interrupt. Two guesses as to what.

Shh, he's everywhere.

Ron Perlman that is. Have you ever noticed that? After sitting down and going through all my movies I've come to the conclusion that he is in at least half of them. Maybe he isn't a main pro or antagonist, but watch him, he's there. Since 1979...think about that. He's been acting for over thirty years, appearing in major blockbusters and in small independent movies on the silver screen.

Remember the movie that came out before Clan of the Cave Bear? It was another Neanderthal flick where no one talked, not a single line for 3 hours. Quest for Fire, Raydon Chong's (Tommy Chong's daughter) first major movie, and who gave her the hot beef injection on screen? Ron Perlman. That was in 1981. In 1986 he played a mental priest beside Sean-fucking-Connery in The Name of the Rose. Don't remember him? I bet he meant for that to happen...

Steven King's Sleepwalkers. - 1992
Disney's The Adventures of Huck Finn - 1993
The City of Lost Children - 1995
Alien: Resurrection - 1997
Blade 2 - 2002
The he basically vanishes until 2004. What happened in 2004? Guellmero Del Toro creates the first Hellboy movie, staring Ron Perlman.  

He was Clayface in Batman, and Satan in the Animaniacs, and lent his voice to dozens of other animations for bit and major reoccurring parts where unless you stop and pay attention, listening for him, you never would notice he was there. He's been in 28 of your favourite video games, most of them more modern than you'd expect.

This all really came to my attention thanks to my aunty Linda who started noticing before myself just how prolific Ron Perlman was. Which is what lead me to look at my own movie collection. The man has been in over 170 movies and TV series and doesn't look to be slowing down anytime soon. Which is what amazes me, because he still looks as badass and as scary as ever, and his voice hasn't lost it's edge or haunting quality since The City of Lost Children, which is saying something because that was over 15 years ago. Half-way through his total career.

So what does this all add up to? Pretty much that after looking through his career Ron Perlman is one of those men who should be an inspiration to others wanting to break into 'the biz.' He's gained a new appreciation in my eyes as an actor that rises above the current fanatical mega-stars and on to a level of his own. A respectable man.

At least Until Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires comes out in theaters.

Existential hell

So where have I been going for the last 3 years? No where apparently, in fact looking back the starting line seems closer than it did a while ago. Thinking about where my life has been so far has been, for lack of a better word; depressing. 3 years ago I was willfully ignorant, chronically single, hadn't been to a university, and worked at a job everyone cowardly balked at.

Then two years ago I quit that job to try my hand at something else, something that lasted for all of about a month before a slight break down in communication set me back to where I am now. 23 living at home. However, another thing happened that as it is was the most wonderful thing one could imagine. I found a woman who was more compatible with my own tastes and ideas than anyone else so far. Through the shit job, the damnable room-mates, and her encouragement I managed to grow at a rate which boggles even my own mind still now.

Cut to now: I am unfortunately knowledgeable of my uneducation, single but no longer looking, signed up to attend classes for jobs that I've already been doing for two years, yet though that seems to be an improvement I'm unemployed and in debt to a car whose value isn't half of what the price tag is (bought back in 2008 when everything was a seller's market, just before it went down).

So, to put it simply, there are many many great memories of the last 3 years. They were hopeful, strong, make me feel proud remember how good things were even though the situations were less than desirable and less than legal in a few cases. It's hard, but trying to remember to take those memories and know that there are people and things worth working harder and harder for out there is starting to take it's toll. I have less now than I ever have. It makes me wonder, would I trade all those memories away, those happy times and the good that came of it for that stupidity and satisfaction of a job and friends that were only half way fulfilling?

An emotional and mature man would say no, an independent and practical man would say it wasn't worth it. Right now, I just want to find those men and kill them both so I can have a minute of peace without their damn blathering.

Moral conundrums and the like.

So, what we have here is a failure to communicate. At least that's the way it seems. Between the woman who I still hold a lot of value for in my life, to the women who are currently holding a certain amount of me in the palms of their hands, it seems as if my moral fiber is being stretched to it limits lately.

Now, to think about it this way, I'm tired of being lonely and having selfish friends who only want a working vehicle and someone who is damn good at using it. But at the same time, settling isn't an option I've ever given myself. Whatever the circumstance, or lack of circumstances, the idea that has always worked till now was to rush in head long doing the good deed and not letting my own emotional situation get the better of things. Being the white knight to help those who could help me later. As of last night though, it appears that part of the whole has decided to take a vacation.

I'm kind of hoping he stays gone too.

There is a certain woman, a local one at that, who's caught my eye. She's got a mouth on her, a body like a man ought to like, and more opinions than Fox News could manage about Obama. The catch, because there always is one? She as of now is 36 years old, has an 8 year old child, and the child's father is her live in partner. Talk about setting up to become the other man. However, me mind has been working it like this: she isn't happy in her relationship. She doesn't smile, she doesn't laugh, she doesn't let herself get out to friend's houses all because her partner needs her to take care of him and the child. So why should I feel bad about doing something to make her smile?

Even if it takes cuffing her hands to the headboard, spreading her wide, and using her in a way she hasn't been used in years. Bad? Oh yeah, she thinks so too. That hasn't stopped us from talking that way, however. Or stopped us from talking about how good it would be for the both of us to be that bad.

No matter how simple it may seem though and how easy it is to justify taking her and just being a good friend, with a few benefits, it doesn't settle the matter we both know I'd be the other man and this would be nothing more than an affair. Hey though, if I can keep putting up with the yes/no/yes/no/yes/no/fuckmetillIscream flirtings, maybe it could be a learning experience for the both of us? Moral fiber be damned, the libido and lack of anything close to intimacy lately just may be worth the risk. Libido be damned though, is it worth risking other people's relationships just to get some jollies off with a woman who's built like a woman instead of a 14 year old? With any luck we'll find out next month.



Now then, as for that other woman? Well, let's just say that it's been a good thing my attentions are stretched elsewhere, that one, Irish, deserves her own life without anyone holding her back. However much past experiences and relations ache for me to tempt her back, that one deserves more respect than that. Simple, but so much harder for it.